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Letter from Patch

Last updated on April 14, 2019

By Jim Hayes

A letter from Patch, the Volunteer State Community College mascot who has not been seen on campus in months, was received by the Settler office last Wednesday.

Postmarked Juneau, Ak., the letter details a litany of issues that Patch says led to a self-imposed exile from the campus.

“Really,” the letter says, “I am dissatisfied with the level of spirit demonstrated by the students at Vol State.”

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“If given the opportunity, I don’t believe I would have signed on as the mascot here,” the letter continued.

Lack of spirit is just one reason Patch is dissatisfied with his tenure at Vol State.

“Further,” the letter continued, “a lack of scholarships for our athletes puts us in a position where the better players don’t want to come and play here.”

Other than the inability to attract a more athletic class of players, Patch indicated another area of discontent with the college.

“Our parking situation here is terrible,” the letter said. “I need to arrive a half hour early just to find a parking spot.”

“Look, with construction and record enrollment, the parking situation has become such an issue that I dread coming to school. My request for a designated mascot parking space has been ignored. If I am to return that’s something I will require,” the letter said.

“So, in closing,” the letter concluded, “my final message to Volunteer State Community College is to look carefully at the first letter of each paragraph of this story. There, you will find my true feelings about the student body.”

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